If you never have expectations you will never be let down
Expectations are probably the most difficult things to manage in life. Everyone has expectations about various issues and scenarios at various time and for even more various reasons. Whether the concern is how people should be treated or something as mundane as the taste of your coffee, there are expectations that we cultivate and carry with us throughout our lives. It is these very expectations that will eventually drive you mad if you don’t let them go.
I am not saying that all expectations are bad. I expect the sun to come up every day. I expect my kids to do as they are told as long as we are raising them in our home. I expect my dog to crawl off his perch on the couch at least once a day to feed himself and go outside. These expectations are borne of a routine that developed in our home over the years and is part of our natural rhythm and function. It all starts to fall apart, however, as soon as you place expectations on things like behavior.
Our behavior is, as best as I can understand, a response to internal and external stimulus. Someone says something to us that hurts our feelings and it triggers a number of responses, mostly all of them are irrational. Why do our feelings get hurt? We can play it off most of the time, but the sting is always there. Some people like to talk about it, or cry about it, while others like to push those “feels” way down inside and never speak of it again.
Our feelings get hurt because we have expectations. We expect things from people that we would like to receive but they are not always willing to give. We expect kindness and respect at a bare minimum. Some expect attention and praise while others, unfortunately, have come to expect hatred and cruelty. Our expectations are conditioned responses. As we are acted upon by our environment and the people within, we process what we see, hear, and feel and it registers, basically, as good or bad. Repeated exposure to these feelings in the same context conditions us to expect that when all of the variables come together again later we can expect the same outcome in the same way a dog knows it is going to be in trouble when it does it’s business on the carpet again. The look on his face when you walk in the door tells you he knows exactly how you are going to react to what he did and he is not looking forward to it. That look breaks my heart.
I came to expect too much from people and always felt angry and disappointed when those expectations were not met. With all of the variables and external factors acting on each and every one of us at any given moment, how can we expect Anything from anyone? It is almost irrational when you stop to think about it. To expect the same behavior from someone all the time is like telling lightening to strike the same spot twice. It is not impossible, but it is also not common. When you consider the sheer number of internal and external factors in a person’s life the most we should ever expect is that they do the best they can and find enough empathy in ourselves to understand that each person carries their own burden and requires the same patience and understanding that you would expect from them.
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