When all else fails…..Make something!
Growing up I heard a great deal about meditation and spirituality. I regarded most of it as any kid would…..slightly intrigued, hopeful, and ultimately disappointed when my cursory attempts at achieving enlightenment failed. If Chris Farley could do it in Beverly Hills Ninja, then what is keeping me from doing the same? I sit in the same position and hum to myself. It should be that easy, right? Unfortunately no. Although I am sure there is a modicum of enlightenment that can be achieved through meditation I expect that neither look the way we expect them to nor does it originate from where we expect it to.
When I returned from Iraq I began to drift away from my family, friends, and reality. Up to the point where I realized there was something going on upstairs I never really tried to do anything about it other than to explain to people I wasn’t the same person I was when I left. I never did drugs and I had not been drunk since Dec 9th, 1995 so vices were not a problem. I just existed in this state of perpetual detachment. When my wife suggested I make my own wallet to replace one I carried for years I did not do so with the expectation that I would gain something from this other than a new set of tools and a new way to hide from the world for a little while.
I loved the experience with the creative process. I loved the material I was working with. I loved the smell and the feel. As far as craft materials go I have yet to find a medium that appeals to every sense as does leather. When I would get grumpy. irritable, distant, and/or angry (which was often) I would work on a project. When I didn’t want to be around people (which was just as often) I would work on a project. When I couldn’t sleep…..you see where this is going, right? It was an escape, or at least I should say it started out as an escape. Eventually it became something more. It became therapy. I would notice that, after some undetermined period of time, I would forget what got me irritated in the first place. Every ounce of my attention was so thoroughly wrapped up in the process of making something that not only did I forget why I was upset by it in the first place but then I noticed that I was able to stop and look at the situation from a different perspective altogether. Well……if you have not tried this before let me warn you. It is going to mess everything up if you are doing your part to live the life of a professional emotional martyr. Everything that I could easily blame on the actions of others now seemed to originate from yours truly and thus the responsibility landed squarely in my own lap.
The truth is that I was not only hiding from the world but I acting like a complete tool in the process and blaming others along the way. needless to say this ruined a lot of friendships and drove people away. There are quite a few people of whom I am glad are gone, but there are others that I missed and decided to try to get them back. Doing this, I realized, would require me to be honest with myself and them and offer a sincere apology. It had been years since I accepted any real responsibility for my actions and even longer since I had apologized for it, so this was very new and scary. I would love to say the process is 100% successful, but that would be a lie. Most of the people I felt I had driven away or hurt had no idea what I was talking about, while others were offended that the only real attention they had gotten for a while, from anyone, was now being apologized for by someone seeming to go through a 12 step program.
After a while I started to think this was all in my head, but I was missing my own point. I was not making apologies to people in return for their gratitude, praise or appreciation. I was doing it because even though I told myself I didn’t care what people think about me I did care that they know they are appreciated and respected. This was my enlightenment for the moment. The creative process helped me understand that it matters not what others think about me, but what I think about myself and my relationships with others. If I want to apologize for my behavior then I will. I have friendships and relationships with people who are special to me and that I cherish. I have family and friends that I care about and it is important that they know this.
Next time you are struggling with a problem just sit down and make something from start to finish. Every time you struggle…make something. focus your mind on the process and take your mind off your problem. Enjoy the experience and take pride in learning through trial and error. Enjoy the moment you “finish” a project and then study it as though it’s the first time you are seeing it. Turn it over and over and study it from every side and every angle. Then, when you go back to the problem at hand, apply the same scrutiny to it and see what happens. You might surprise yourself.
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